See Ya Later Alligator

           Saying goodbye is never easy.  I’ve never liked it and often held on to things and all types of relationships past their expiration date in a lame attempt to stop change, to halt time from moving forward—as if that was ever possible.  Even when I know that the timing is right to leave or let go, change has always been difficult for me. 

It’s funny how we often want out of situations, convinced that we’ll find better and yet when it’s time to go, we get all sentimental and realize what we’ve had.  For months now, I’ve been dying to get out of Phayao!  There were days that I literally thought I was losing my mind from all the alone time and the lack of things to do.  The reason I stuck it out was I really couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my precious students as well as the fact that I felt there were reasons I was placed here.  Therefore, it was definitely not a difficult decision for me to decide to go home and not stay in Phayao for another semester.  Yet now that it’s come to an end, I’m realizing what a truly special opportunity this has been.  I’ve had some experiences here that I will absolutely never forget.  My heart has been completely touched by the love I’ve been given so freely, with no attached expectations or conditions. 

            I don’t think I’ve mentioned it anywhere in my blog that I had a complete meltdown in Phuket during my first few days in Thailand.  After sleep deprivation, getting violently ill the first night, intense jet lag as well as all the other changes going on in my life after having picked up and moving my entire life half way around the world, I completely freaked.  I started balling all day while fear completely seized me.  I panicked as I realized I had just left the familiar and all the love in my life to venture off alone, completely into the unknown.  I started to question if I had just made a huge mistake—maybe this was actually a really stupid idea.  It started to feel scary as if the rug had been pulled out from under me.  Clearly that was not reality and it was just fear (and pure exhaustion).      

            I’m struck by how similar I feel now at fear of the unknown despite the fact that I’m not going to some foreign country.  I’m going home to my family, my friends, my home, my life.  Sometimes knowing it’s time to say goodbye doesn’t make it any easier.  My life in Phayao, Thailand has been nothing at all like I expected.  Every day was not full of excitement and adventure.  After all, I wasn’t on some permanent vacation, I actually had to work!  But it ended up becoming something that I couldn’t have even imagined.  It’s been a complete gift in every way, even despite and maybe actually because of the struggles. 

            Tears are streaming down my face as I write this.  It’s sinking in that I won’t see all those beautiful beaming toothless smiles of my students anymore that I receive simply for showing up.  It didn’t matter if I rolled out of bed in a funk and forgot to brush my hair (which definitely happened a number of times), my students were still always so excited just to see me, just to have me there.  Everywhere I went on campus, kids would wave to me and hug me; they showed me complete unconditional love in that way only children can.  I won’t hear the unison “YAY!” when I walk into a classroom anymore.  I won’t get bombarded by dog pile-type hugs that can only be accomplished by ten tiny first graders simultaneously.  I’ll even miss the way they would frustrate the hell out of me which is how you know it was real love.  Believe it or not, I’ll especially miss those naughty students that made me work so hard for my baht every class.  For some reason, the naughtiest boys are some of my favorites and strangely some of the most affectionate towards me.  Just as I was making progress with my students, it’s time to say goodbye.               

This is what I wrote my last night in Phayao:

I watched my last beautiful sunset tonight in Phayao.  It was completely spontaneous.  I happened to be walking down to a goodbye dinner at the same time so I decided to sit and admire the beauty.  The sun was a bright blood-orange color as if someone had turned it into a neon highlighter.  It set more quickly than I’ve ever seen in all of my twenty-five years of sunsets.  The sun appeared to be on a race to allow his dear friend, the moon, make her debut.  It set so fast in fact that it was almost as if the sun was setting just for me, like my own personal show.  How fitting to see the sun set over the gorgeous Kwan Phayao one last time.  The lake has always been my favorite thing about Phayao, one of the beauties that kept me around.  It felt as if Phayao, my home (no matter how temporary), was actually bidding me farewell, letting me know that our time has come to an end and that I will absolutely be missed.

            Well Thailand, you and I have had a complicated relationship.  I have loved you and often been frustrated as hell at you!  I have learned from you, cried over you and definitely laughed at your silly quirks.  You have shown me ME like I’ve never experienced before.  Thank you for the memories, the life-changing experiences and the noodles.  Mark my words my dearest Thailand, this is not goodbye but a “see ya later alligator.”

Thanks for reading!  Please continue to follow my writing and my journey on my new blog: http://madelainemnm.wordpress.com

Moving blogs!

Attention!  I will be starting a new blog at http://madelainemnm.wordpress.com/ because I will soon be back home in Los Angeles.  My new blog will cover a range of topics from life lessons, travel, sex, anger, relationships, God, men and of course my spiritual growth and journey.

Check it out at madelainemnm.wordpress.com!!!

Embracing the Unknown

You know how thoughts of home, particularly when on a long winded journey abroad, conjure up thoughts of security and comfort?  Well frankly, they currently don’t do that for me.

After months of deliberating, I decided to go home instead of stay in Thailand for another semester or go teach in another country.  There are multiple reasons for this.  One of them being that I realized I really would prefer to travel abroad much more than actually live abroad. 

The interesting thing about this decision is that not only was it difficult, but it felt so uncertain.   I decided to go home, but I’ve realized that deciding to go home was actually the more brave decision for me.  It took courage to book that ticket back to Los Angeles.

The reason for that is that going home is actually full of many more uncertainties than staying in Thailand, believe it or not.  Although I’m bored out of my mind here, my life here is beyond simple.  I have a job, not too many bills, a few friends, a crazy amount of time to relax and the ability to travel around (when I’m not teaching of course). 

However, I chose to go home despite the complete “up in the air-ness” that awaits me.  Not only do I not have a job or a particular field I want to go back to, I also will be once again living with my parents at the ripe age of twenty-five (almost twenty-six).  Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents and I’m grateful for their generosity, but I also have loved the independence of having my own apartment here.  I will go home to face the debt I’ve accrued while here.  I will also go home to an incredibly ambivalent relationship status.  Also, before I left I had been feeling over the last few years also that my circle of friends has gotten much smaller since my early 20’s which has been a difficult thing to adjust to.

So basically I’m going home to LA and yet I feel so much fear to go back to the reality that awaits me there.  I can already feel the reverse culture shock setting in.  I’m already dreading looking for a job as well as all the other things I have to figure out.  And yet, even with all the uncertainty and fear, I feel that it’s the right decision.  For some reason, as much as I love Thailand and think it would be wonderful to live in a bigger Thai city with a group of my foreign teacher friends next semester, I just know that I need to go back to LA.  It feels right.     

I guess the truth is that life is always uncertain, always full of mystery.  Life, after all, can and often does change in an instant, when we’re least expecting it.  In this situation, the difference seems to be that I’m expecting the mystery.  I already know that I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen when I get home or why I’m even freaking out about it now, obviously that will do nothing but create anxiety which of course it already has.

I know things will work out, they always do and for now I will just have to trust.  So here’s to embracing the unknown as terrifying as it might be!  After all, life at its very essence is a big whopping unknown.  

Some of my favorite shall we say “different” experiences

Given that this is my last month of teaching in Thailand (can’t believe how quickly it’s gone by), I’ve been thinking about all the interesting experiences I’ve had and particularly the funny and most memorable.  Living in a different country provides many opportunities to have weird things happen and see some unusual sights.  Sometimes these are small and mundane and sometimes they are absolutely mind-blowing.

1) Getting pissed on by a tiger.

Yep, that’s right.  I got peed on.  When in Bangkok on a tour of the Tiger Temple, I was strolling behind a big kitty when all of a sudden I felt my foot getting wet.  When I looked down, I saw that he was spraying his business all over my foot.  It was both disgusting and hilarious.  Those would be some carpet stains I would not want in my house!

Right before the "incident"

2) The occasional complete disregard for my teaching.

While I always have a mouthful to say about my students, this one I have to credit to one of the teachers.  During my lesson that I was doing on the chalkboard, the teacher went to the computer which was right next to me and began listening to YouTube videos on full volume attempting to learn English without headphones or as so much of a second thought that it was incredibly rude!  You would think she would just participate in the class instead.

3) The infamous ping pong shows.

So while I think it’s best not to go into details, mainly because I don’t want to relive it in my mind, let me just say that I would have NOT made my Women’s Studies professors proud for being there.  For those that have not heard of these, they’re basically these shows where women put all sorts of disturbing things inside their, um, “happy place”.  It’s pretty much really gross and degrading but somewhat like going to Rome and not seeing the coliseum, you just gotta go at least once.  Okay, maybe the whole Rome analogy is a bit of a stretch there... 

4) A complete stranger holding my hand.

At the Tiger Temple, we had to walk next to a guide while we went around to each tiger to pose for a picture.  Every person had their own individual staff member.  The funny thing was they held your hand the entire time unless you were posing for a picture.  My lady showed absolutely no emotion as I smiled and giggled at the excitement of being so close to such amazing animals.  She also had a little handheld mirror and was checking herself out throughout the time that we were holding hands.  It was such an awkward yet comical experience. 

5) Being blessed by a monk.

At the Big Buddha in Phuket during the early part of my time in Thailand, I received a blessing from a monk.  I thought he might say some really profound words.  He chanted in Thai for a moment and then said quite simply “Good luck, long life for you” while tapping my head and shoulders with some holy water.

At "Big Buddha" in Phuket

6) Students saying “f*ck you” to me and clearly not knowing the meaning.

It was quite obvious that someone had told them the word and let them know it was a dirty word without actually explaining the meaning.  Their beaming smiles showed they were proud to know a naughty English word and yet were completely clueless to what they were saying.  Nonetheless, it was still quite shocking to hear the f bomb out of their 8 year old mouths.  I definitely went into scolding teacher mode and put them straight…while of course trying not to laugh.

7) Elephants.

This has happened both in my town as well as in other cities while away for weekends.  I’m walking down the street and all of a sudden there’s a little elephant just walking by with its owner.  Ya know, just in case you start to forget that you’re in Thailand.

8) The Long Neck hill tribe.

So when my friend Claire and I signed up for a tour of Chiang Rai, we didn’t think much of the fact that it included a “tour” of the local hill tribe made up of “Long Necks”.  For those that have never heard of this, there are hill tribes in Thailand that are made up of Burmese minorities.  These hill tribes vary but there are some in which the women wear brass coils around their necks and sometimes other parts of their bodies.  The coils press down on the collar bone creating the look of an elongated neck and they often begin wearing them at the age of five.  The rings never come off throughout the woman’s life and they are often seen as signs of beauty as well as a cultural custom.

Anyway, while putting brass rings around your neck may seem absurd to some, I felt much more absurd for having paid to observe them.  It felt so invasive and like we were watching animals at the zoo.  I felt so icky about it that I didn’t even post the pictures I took on Facebook.          

Thai sty(le)

Something strange has begun to happen.  It’s a very peculiar occurrence.  The Thai way of doing things has actually started to become normal to me!  That means that I can’t believe I used to drink beer without ice and that it does in fact make so much more sense to eat dominantly with a spoon and yes, showing a little shoulder is indeed sexy.  Also, yes Thailand I couldn’t agree more that any excuse is a good excuse to do karaoke.  I’m also getting quite used to taking off my shoes before entering shops, the fact that pretty much anything you eat or drink from soup to salad to Coke is served in a bag as well as the way the workers in shops and restaurants hover over you while you decide what you want (quite an awkward experience in the beginning).  I also must admit I don’t give a second thought to the squat pots anymore or the fact that 95% of bathrooms don’t have soap.  I honestly can’t believe I’ve only been living in Thailand for a little over three months!  It feels like a year already because I have experienced so many new and different things. 

Instead of the typical American staples from 7-11, I now regularly eat noodles and pork (the spicier the better!) for breakfast.  When I first got here, I could not believe how cheap everything was.  Now that I’ve been living in Thailand for a while my perspective has begun to change.  Honestly, I’ve realized that it is all relative.  True, if you come to Thailand with American dollars and an American job back home, your money can go very far.  But when you’re making baht you have to think in baht so it changes it a bit, although the cost of living is obviously much lower than Los Angeles.  When I first got to Thailand, I thought 100 baht for a meal was ridiculously cheap which is the equivalent of about $3.30.  Now, I realize that a meal for 100 baht is actually on the expensive side when you can easily find 30 baht meals ($1) at the selection of food carts which are just as delicious as the restaurants.  It’s also nice watching your meal cooked right in front of you.

I had a thought the other day that when I leave Thailand, I will truly miss my students.  Even though they drive me insane, I’m slowly but surely falling in love with them.  It was definitely not love at first sight what with them making me want to cry or scream for the first two months, but I’ve grown to adore them (even though they still make me want to scream some days).  They’ve left imprints on my memory and my heart and even though I still know very few names (Ok I know that’s lame but gimme a break—I have 900 students!), I will remember their faces and the hilarious nonsensical moments we’ve shared for many years to come.  I will also miss wai-ing.  It feels like so much more of a respectful and heart centered greeting to me than a mere hello.  “Hello” just sounds so boring to me now!  I will miss the King’s song as a signal that it’s the end of the work day.  I will of course long for the amazing cuisine probably more than anything although variety is always nice. 

My wet bathroom has also really grown on me.  For those that have no idea what a wet bathroom is, please let me explain.  Basically it means that when you shower, the entire bathroom gets soaking wet because there is no separate shower.  The shower head and water heater are simply mounted on the wall.  Also, my toilet has a power spray hose (like an extremely hardcore bidet!).  Now at first, I was like what are Thais thinking?  This is the stupidest thing ever because it means you can’t leave the toilet paper in the bathroom and it seems like a recipe for a concussion or a broken hip.  But after living here for a few months, I’ve begun to think that wet bathrooms are nothing less than genius!  I’m starting to think Americans should take note of these for a few reasons. 

You can do so many different things while showering!  You can look in the mirror and check yourself out, which let’s be honest, who doesn’t like to do that?  You can easily brush your teeth and floss while showering.  My favorite thing about a “wet” bathroom that I just discovered is that you can clean while showering!!!  If cleaning is one of your least favorite activites as it is for me, especially bathrooms, then you should seriously consider building a wet bathroom in your house.  There you are standing in your birthday suit and instead of just washing your body, you can actually multi-task.   In between washing your hair and your toes, you can take a break with your cleaning spray and a sponge.  Honestly, who wants to separately clean the sink, shower, toilet and mirror?  I definitely don’t!

  I don’t think I’m going to stay in Thailand long term, but I’m definitely acclimating to my life here.  I don’t even hear the twenty some roosters that live in my backyard anymore…well most days anyway.  But just so you’re aware, the idea that they only crow in the morning is a damn lie.  So as I rest my head on the pillow at night to the off-key sounds of the local karaoke bar and the “burping” geckos, I often think to myself that I’m more of a chameleon than I ever would have expected.                    

Que Sera, Sera

         So I have to admit it.  The experience I’m having in Thailand is most definitely not what I pictured or expected.  I certainly did not sign up for this thinking “Great!  I’m going to spend every single night alone in my little apartment!”  Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration but I definitely didn’t think I was coming half way around the world with the focus of working on a relationship with myself.  Maybe that’s silly because we are in fact always in relationship with ourselves.  I mean, I expected to grow as a person and a spiritual being and learn more about myself through the experience, but I didn’t realize that I would actually spend more time alone than ever before and essentially be dating myself. 

            There are positive sides to this.  I have plenty of time to reflect on my life and my goals.    I have time to truly feel what’s going on internally with me where as when we are distracted by our busy lifestyles and constantly around other people, we don’t always have that ability to center ourselves and regroup.  I have plenty of time to read, write, pray, think, feel, meditate (wish I could say I was doing it more than I am but still…) and exercise and to simply just BE which as most people know, is not easy to do.  Most of us constantly distract ourselves so that we don’t have to actually feel the pain and anxiety inside or as my Italian guru and spiritual mentor calls the “Piece of Shit”.  The piece of shit inside is made up of all the things we don’t like about ourselves, all the regrets, shame and guilt we carry, all the pain we’ve experienced and all the dreams we feel we’ve squandered.  Essentially the piece of shit is all the feelings of not being worthy and not being good enough.  We all have it inside and we all find ways of numbing ourselves or not facing it, that is, until we actually decide to face it.          

            So while I don’t know if I’ve chosen to face it, my “piece of shit” seems to wants to face me.  Even though this is not the experience that I signed up for, it appears that God definitely signed me up for it.  I don’t believe in accidents or coincidences.  I feel that I’m being called to spend more time in meditation, reflection and prayer than ever before which both frightens and intrigues me.  So I heard the call and I recently signed up for a seven day silent meditation retreat when my contract is up which should be very interesting and full of revelations.  I admit I’m absolutely terrified of going through with it.    

On top of already feeling lonely, I’m also now in the midst of a breakup of the long distance relationship I’ve been in while here.  I’m finding that while I normally have a nervous breakdown during breakups, I literally can’t do that here.  If I lose it, I will fall into a very dark place and I know that if I want to finish out the next few months, then I have to keep it together and stay as present as possible.  I must focus on why I’m here, put my energy into teaching and make the best of my time here.  It’s strange.  I never would have thought that I would live so far from my friends and family while in a situation like this and somehow not completely fall apart into pieces.  While it feels vulnerable to reveal this in such a public way, on a blog of all places, I’m reminded and inspired by my one of my favorite quotes by Sheryl Louise Moller “tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth” that there is power in being vulnerable and living in your truth.    

            I’ve been shocked to find an inner strength and independence that I didn’t even know I had inside.  I didn’t realize that I was as self-sufficient as I am and that I’m able to handle much more than I would have previously thought.  The other day while tearing up with my Thai friend at work about my current situation, somehow we broke out into song singing “Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be.   The future’s not ours to see.  Que sera, sera.”  I was shocked that she knew that song but I was comforted by the familiarity and the words had never felt more true.  So here I am, now more than ever having to trust in God that there is a purpose behind all of this and that everything is always in Divine order.  While my life appears to be full of uncertanties, two things are always certain: life must go on and “whatever will be, will be”.       

                                        
                      Apparently, Thais do know this song.  Love this video...even if they are selling life insurance.

Pad Thai, sticky rice and tom yum! Oh MY!

Cow soi!!! Yummy!

Sticky rice.

Is it normal to get fat in Thailand?  Okay, maybe I’m not fat, but I definitely have gained a few since I began living and eating here.  Now let me just say that I’m not one who believes that we gain weight from “carbs” and I don’t believe in dieting.  I think EVERYONE has tried at least one diet in their life and failed.  Even if one is successful on a diet, the reality is, people deprive themselves of pleasure and are often living in fear of food which eventually leads them to binge and break the diet once they can’t stand it any longer.  In American culture, we are so obsessed with the idea that specific foods make you fat.  I believe that we can eat the foods that bring us pleasure but we must learn to be mindful of HOW and of course how much we eat as well as the emotions and beliefs we hold around food.  As with most things in life, I think it comes down to having a balance.

So with that preface, I admit that I have been eating way too much!  I’ve pretty much been gorging myself.  From oodles of noodles, fried chicken, a ridiculous amount of pork to the delicious pizza place that’s in town, I’ve been eating like a starving child most of the time I’ve been here.  Now I’m self-aware enough to know that I’m not just eating because the food is delicious, I’m definitely eating as a way of coping with being here and I know at times I don’t want to feel all the uncomfortable and lonely feelings that come up.  Although I’m a relatively thin person, I have had issues with emotional eating and overeating throughout my life.  For as long as I can remember, food has never just been food to me. 

Now putting that into the proper context, Thais are very weight conscious.  There are scales in front of every single 7-11 and they usually have them in many public restrooms and bus stops.  People will outright ask you how much you weigh as it’s definitely a point of interest and conversation in Thai culture.  Also, the standards for being thin are pretty rigid.  If you’re a little overweight or even just not a twig, people will openly call you fat.  They don’t seem to think of it as rude like we would in western culture which can be difficult to adjust to when you’re used to weight and body image being such sensitive topics back home.  Not only do my students continually point to my belly and scream out “BABY!” but I’ve had adults also ask me if I’m expecting.  I most definitely am not, it just so happens to be a spot that I hold a little extra weight.  I’ve also had a few experiences where Thais have told me that I’m “not too fat” which I guess is better than actually saying that I am too fat.  It doesn’t bother me that much but it just makes me a little more aware of my weight and size.

Now, I admit that I started this post to discuss over-eating and body image but now I honestly just want to discuss the level of deliciousness that exists in the food here.  To begin with, I love the flavors and aromas of Thai food.  There are always intoxicating smells anytime there’s food around (except when you walk by the dried squid stands which seem to be EVERYWHERE—not a fan!).  I can honestly say that I haven’t gotten tired of Thai food yet due to the fact that there is definitely a variety of dishes.  Even though I have noodles often, there are many different types and even the shape and size of the noodles can affect the taste of a dish.  My favorite things are sticky rice which I like with both sweet and savory foods.  I have had some of the BEST Pad Thai I’ve ever eaten in my life in my town at this one little food cart.  My two favorite meals are Tom Yum Noodles and Cow Soi.  Tom Yum Noodles are delicious noodles in a light broth with pork and hard boiled egg covered in crispy dried noodles—amaaaazing!  Cow Soi is a Northern Thai speciality that you can only find on the weekends at one little hole in the wall in my town but is literally the best Thai dish I’ve ever eaten!  It has a curry like thick broth with noodles and chicken with dried noodles on top and they always bring out cabbage, onions and lime that you can add to your own discretion.  It’s scrumptious!  I also enjoy the occasional Cashew Nut Chicken, Basil Pork with rice and Green Curry with pork.

One thing is for sure, even if I’ve gained weight, I’m eating well and some of the best food I’ve had in my life.  But maybe I should cut back just a little bit…                    

What my bowls look like often...

Tom Yum Noodles! SOOO Good!

Green curry.

My typical dumpling, noodles and pork breakfast.