Friday, March 1, 2013

See Ya Later Alligator


           Saying goodbye is never easy.  I’ve never liked it and often held on to things and all types of relationships past their expiration date in a lame attempt to stop change, to halt time from moving forward—as if that was ever possible.  Even when I know that the timing is right to leave or let go, change has always been difficult for me. 
It’s funny how we often want out of situations, convinced that we’ll find better and yet when it’s time to go, we get all sentimental and realize what we’ve had.  For months now, I’ve been dying to get out of Phayao!  There were days that I literally thought I was losing my mind from all the alone time and the lack of things to do.  The reason I stuck it out was I really couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my precious students as well as the fact that I felt there were reasons I was placed here.  Therefore, it was definitely not a difficult decision for me to decide to go home and not stay in Phayao for another semester.  Yet now that it’s come to an end, I’m realizing what a truly special opportunity this has been.  I’ve had some experiences here that I will absolutely never forget.  My heart has been completely touched by the love I’ve been given so freely, with no attached expectations or conditions. 
            I don’t think I’ve mentioned it anywhere in my blog that I had a complete meltdown in Phuket during my first few days in Thailand.  After sleep deprivation, getting violently ill the first night, intense jet lag as well as all the other changes going on in my life after having picked up and moving my entire life half way around the world, I completely freaked.  I started balling all day while fear completely seized me.  I panicked as I realized I had just left the familiar and all the love in my life to venture off alone, completely into the unknown.  I started to question if I had just made a huge mistake—maybe this was actually a really stupid idea.  It started to feel scary as if the rug had been pulled out from under me.  Clearly that was not reality and it was just fear (and pure exhaustion).      
            I’m struck by how similar I feel now at fear of the unknown despite the fact that I’m not going to some foreign country.  I’m going home to my family, my friends, my home, my life.  Sometimes knowing it’s time to say goodbye doesn’t make it any easier.  My life in Phayao, Thailand has been nothing at all like I expected.  Every day was not full of excitement and adventure.  After all, I wasn’t on some permanent vacation, I actually had to work!  But it ended up becoming something that I couldn’t have even imagined.  It’s been a complete gift in every way, even despite and maybe actually because of the struggles. 
            Tears are streaming down my face as I write this.  It’s sinking in that I won’t see all those beautiful beaming toothless smiles of my students anymore that I receive simply for showing up.  It didn’t matter if I rolled out of bed in a funk and forgot to brush my hair (which definitely happened a number of times), my students were still always so excited just to see me, just to have me there.  Everywhere I went on campus, kids would wave to me and hug me; they showed me complete unconditional love in that way only children can.  I won’t hear the unison “YAY!” when I walk into a classroom anymore.  I won’t get bombarded by dog pile-type hugs that can only be accomplished by ten tiny first graders simultaneously.  I’ll even miss the way they would frustrate the hell out of me which is how you know it was real love.  Believe it or not, I’ll especially miss those naughty students that made me work so hard for my baht every class.  For some reason, the naughtiest boys are some of my favorites and strangely some of the most affectionate towards me.  Just as I was making progress with my students, it’s time to say goodbye.               
This is what I wrote my last night in Phayao:
I watched my last beautiful sunset tonight in Phayao.  It was completely spontaneous.  I happened to be walking down to a goodbye dinner at the same time so I decided to sit and admire the beauty.  The sun was a bright blood-orange color as if someone had turned it into a neon highlighter.  It set more quickly than I’ve ever seen in all of my twenty-five years of sunsets.  The sun appeared to be on a race to allow his dear friend, the moon, make her debut.  It set so fast in fact that it was almost as if the sun was setting just for me, like my own personal show.  How fitting to see the sun set over the gorgeous Kwan Phayao one last time.  The lake has always been my favorite thing about Phayao, one of the beauties that kept me around.  It felt as if Phayao, my home (no matter how temporary), was actually bidding me farewell, letting me know that our time has come to an end and that I will absolutely be missed.
            Well Thailand, you and I have had a complicated relationship.  I have loved you and often been frustrated as hell at you!  I have learned from you, cried over you and definitely laughed at your silly quirks.  You have shown me ME like I’ve never experienced before.  Thank you for the memories, the life-changing experiences and the noodles.  Mark my words my dearest Thailand, this is not goodbye but a “see ya later alligator.”


Thanks for reading!  Please continue to follow my writing and my journey on my new blog: http://madelainemnm.wordpress.com

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