Home Sweet Home

It’s funny when you begin to question where “home” really is.  What is it exactly that we crave when we are “homesick?”  Is it our friends and family, our routines, the actual house we live in, the feeling of belonging or is “home” actually a state of mind that we tend to idealize when away?  In my town Phayao, due to not having too much of a social life, I have a lot of time to reflect on these types of questions.  I’ve been pondering this as last week was the first time that I felt extremely homesick, to the point that I questioned going home.  I even called the company I work for to discuss this with them (FYI these feelings have come and gone).  When I visualized my life in Thailand, I pictured myself making a solid attempt to fully integrate into the Thai culture and I had the goal to make a large circle of Thai friends, despite the language barrier.  It has not been quite as simple as that.

Although the Thai teachers are amazing and easy to connect with, many of them lead busy lives outside of school and don’t have a lot of time to get together.  The other Thai friends I’ve made are really lovely, but at times it takes so much effort to communicate (even when they speak English) that hanging out feels more like work than a relaxing time among friends. 

Now that I’ve been in Thailand for a few months and have made many foreign friends, I feel extremely isolated from them.  I long for the company of “farang” because I notice the stark difference hanging out with Thais.  I miss easy and free flowing communication, little nuances and jokes that only native speakers or extremely advanced English speakers truly understand.  It makes it difficult to fully relate or be on the “same page” at times. 

            So due to these feelings, last weekend I got on a 12 hour bus ride with the purpose of getting together with a big group of people from our teacher’s training group.  Without going into the details of the weekend, what I discovered is that while I had a pretty good time overall, the crappy feelings I’ve been feeling lately didn’t just disappear.  I realized that I’ve been seeking fulfillment from outside sources which always gets me into trouble.  The truth is that other people can never truly complete or satisfy our needs.  I came to the awareness that being placed away from people I’m comfortable with and other security blankets is a true opportunity.  I can look at this as an unfortunate situation and decide to book it or I can view it as an opportunity to center myself, reflect on my life and what’s really going on inside of me as well as pray, meditate, journal, read and connect with God.  It was an amazing AHA moment for me and I’m grateful for it.

            Another interesting discovery was that when everyone left and I had Monday all by myself in a lonely busy city, I was not homesick for my home in L.A. but instead I longed for my little beautiful scenic town of Phayao.  This weekend away allowed me to see that without even realizing it, Phayao has become my home and what a sweet home it is.