Maybe I'm the one with the "Thai smile"

Thailand is known worldwide as the “Land of Smiles” which is a very endearing name that can actually be somewhat misleading.  Thai people smile all the time and while it is easy as a foreigner to conclude that Thais are some of the happiest and friendliest people in the world, I’ve learned that it isn’t quite as simplistic as that. Thais smile when they’re happy of course but they also smile as a way to hide the more unpleasant emotions including embarrassment, anger and I’m assuming even sadness as openly showing emotion in public in Thailand is not considered appropriate.  Saving face is of utmost importance in Thai culture and smiles are often a way to cover up what’s really going on underneath.  Therefore, the term “Thai smile” comes into play.

For the first time since I’ve been in Thailand, I’m beginning to have pretty intense bouts of homesickness.  Even more than being homesick, I’m feeling many of the same stresses and insecurities as I was back home for the last year. I’ve been obsessing nonstop about figuring out my career path and ways to make a “good” salary.  This was exactly what I obsessed about for the last two years to no avail hence why I made the deliberate choice to have a traveling adventure instead.   

The novelty of being here is beginning to wear off.  What was first new and interesting is beginning to feel a bit tired and downright frustrating at times.  I’ve been experiencing intense swings between being elated to feeling incredibly anxious and awful and like I want to find the earliest flight home to Los Angeles.  I know that all of this alone time I have is an opportunity to confront these feelings and fears head-on and stop avoiding them.  Instead of continually eating ice cream or Pad Thai, I could just sit and be present with the uncomfortable feelings.  Just dive completely into it and stop resisting it.  Yet so far, I haven’t quite chosen to do that.

In my town, I have friends but I don’t feel that I can truly open up and on the hard days of teaching and the lonely days that have me fighting back tears, I often feel that I’m the one wearing the “Thai smile”.  I often feel that I should be happy all through this experience but as my friend Melanie advises, “stop should-ing all over yourself!”  I tell myself, “come on Maddy, you’re living in Thailand and you have the freedom to keep traveling the world if you so desire”.  I think to myself, this is the kind of opportunity that a lot of people would kill for so just be grateful and happy dammit!  But as I’ve learned, life is full of the ups and down, whether you’re in your hometown or in a small town in Northern Thailand.