Thai sty(le)

Something strange has begun to happen.  It’s a very peculiar occurrence.  The Thai way of doing things has actually started to become normal to me!  That means that I can’t believe I used to drink beer without ice and that it does in fact make so much more sense to eat dominantly with a spoon and yes, showing a little shoulder is indeed sexy.  Also, yes Thailand I couldn’t agree more that any excuse is a good excuse to do karaoke.  I’m also getting quite used to taking off my shoes before entering shops, the fact that pretty much anything you eat or drink from soup to salad to Coke is served in a bag as well as the way the workers in shops and restaurants hover over you while you decide what you want (quite an awkward experience in the beginning).  I also must admit I don’t give a second thought to the squat pots anymore or the fact that 95% of bathrooms don’t have soap.  I honestly can’t believe I’ve only been living in Thailand for a little over three months!  It feels like a year already because I have experienced so many new and different things. 

Instead of the typical American staples from 7-11, I now regularly eat noodles and pork (the spicier the better!) for breakfast.  When I first got here, I could not believe how cheap everything was.  Now that I’ve been living in Thailand for a while my perspective has begun to change.  Honestly, I’ve realized that it is all relative.  True, if you come to Thailand with American dollars and an American job back home, your money can go very far.  But when you’re making baht you have to think in baht so it changes it a bit, although the cost of living is obviously much lower than Los Angeles.  When I first got to Thailand, I thought 100 baht for a meal was ridiculously cheap which is the equivalent of about $3.30.  Now, I realize that a meal for 100 baht is actually on the expensive side when you can easily find 30 baht meals ($1) at the selection of food carts which are just as delicious as the restaurants.  It’s also nice watching your meal cooked right in front of you.

I had a thought the other day that when I leave Thailand, I will truly miss my students.  Even though they drive me insane, I’m slowly but surely falling in love with them.  It was definitely not love at first sight what with them making me want to cry or scream for the first two months, but I’ve grown to adore them (even though they still make me want to scream some days).  They’ve left imprints on my memory and my heart and even though I still know very few names (Ok I know that’s lame but gimme a break—I have 900 students!), I will remember their faces and the hilarious nonsensical moments we’ve shared for many years to come.  I will also miss wai-ing.  It feels like so much more of a respectful and heart centered greeting to me than a mere hello.  “Hello” just sounds so boring to me now!  I will miss the King’s song as a signal that it’s the end of the work day.  I will of course long for the amazing cuisine probably more than anything although variety is always nice. 

My wet bathroom has also really grown on me.  For those that have no idea what a wet bathroom is, please let me explain.  Basically it means that when you shower, the entire bathroom gets soaking wet because there is no separate shower.  The shower head and water heater are simply mounted on the wall.  Also, my toilet has a power spray hose (like an extremely hardcore bidet!).  Now at first, I was like what are Thais thinking?  This is the stupidest thing ever because it means you can’t leave the toilet paper in the bathroom and it seems like a recipe for a concussion or a broken hip.  But after living here for a few months, I’ve begun to think that wet bathrooms are nothing less than genius!  I’m starting to think Americans should take note of these for a few reasons. 

You can do so many different things while showering!  You can look in the mirror and check yourself out, which let’s be honest, who doesn’t like to do that?  You can easily brush your teeth and floss while showering.  My favorite thing about a “wet” bathroom that I just discovered is that you can clean while showering!!!  If cleaning is one of your least favorite activites as it is for me, especially bathrooms, then you should seriously consider building a wet bathroom in your house.  There you are standing in your birthday suit and instead of just washing your body, you can actually multi-task.   In between washing your hair and your toes, you can take a break with your cleaning spray and a sponge.  Honestly, who wants to separately clean the sink, shower, toilet and mirror?  I definitely don’t!

  I don’t think I’m going to stay in Thailand long term, but I’m definitely acclimating to my life here.  I don’t even hear the twenty some roosters that live in my backyard anymore…well most days anyway.  But just so you’re aware, the idea that they only crow in the morning is a damn lie.  So as I rest my head on the pillow at night to the off-key sounds of the local karaoke bar and the “burping” geckos, I often think to myself that I’m more of a chameleon than I ever would have expected.                    

Que Sera, Sera

         So I have to admit it.  The experience I’m having in Thailand is most definitely not what I pictured or expected.  I certainly did not sign up for this thinking “Great!  I’m going to spend every single night alone in my little apartment!”  Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration but I definitely didn’t think I was coming half way around the world with the focus of working on a relationship with myself.  Maybe that’s silly because we are in fact always in relationship with ourselves.  I mean, I expected to grow as a person and a spiritual being and learn more about myself through the experience, but I didn’t realize that I would actually spend more time alone than ever before and essentially be dating myself. 

            There are positive sides to this.  I have plenty of time to reflect on my life and my goals.    I have time to truly feel what’s going on internally with me where as when we are distracted by our busy lifestyles and constantly around other people, we don’t always have that ability to center ourselves and regroup.  I have plenty of time to read, write, pray, think, feel, meditate (wish I could say I was doing it more than I am but still…) and exercise and to simply just BE which as most people know, is not easy to do.  Most of us constantly distract ourselves so that we don’t have to actually feel the pain and anxiety inside or as my Italian guru and spiritual mentor calls the “Piece of Shit”.  The piece of shit inside is made up of all the things we don’t like about ourselves, all the regrets, shame and guilt we carry, all the pain we’ve experienced and all the dreams we feel we’ve squandered.  Essentially the piece of shit is all the feelings of not being worthy and not being good enough.  We all have it inside and we all find ways of numbing ourselves or not facing it, that is, until we actually decide to face it.          

            So while I don’t know if I’ve chosen to face it, my “piece of shit” seems to wants to face me.  Even though this is not the experience that I signed up for, it appears that God definitely signed me up for it.  I don’t believe in accidents or coincidences.  I feel that I’m being called to spend more time in meditation, reflection and prayer than ever before which both frightens and intrigues me.  So I heard the call and I recently signed up for a seven day silent meditation retreat when my contract is up which should be very interesting and full of revelations.  I admit I’m absolutely terrified of going through with it.    

On top of already feeling lonely, I’m also now in the midst of a breakup of the long distance relationship I’ve been in while here.  I’m finding that while I normally have a nervous breakdown during breakups, I literally can’t do that here.  If I lose it, I will fall into a very dark place and I know that if I want to finish out the next few months, then I have to keep it together and stay as present as possible.  I must focus on why I’m here, put my energy into teaching and make the best of my time here.  It’s strange.  I never would have thought that I would live so far from my friends and family while in a situation like this and somehow not completely fall apart into pieces.  While it feels vulnerable to reveal this in such a public way, on a blog of all places, I’m reminded and inspired by my one of my favorite quotes by Sheryl Louise Moller “tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth” that there is power in being vulnerable and living in your truth.    

            I’ve been shocked to find an inner strength and independence that I didn’t even know I had inside.  I didn’t realize that I was as self-sufficient as I am and that I’m able to handle much more than I would have previously thought.  The other day while tearing up with my Thai friend at work about my current situation, somehow we broke out into song singing “Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be.   The future’s not ours to see.  Que sera, sera.”  I was shocked that she knew that song but I was comforted by the familiarity and the words had never felt more true.  So here I am, now more than ever having to trust in God that there is a purpose behind all of this and that everything is always in Divine order.  While my life appears to be full of uncertanties, two things are always certain: life must go on and “whatever will be, will be”.       

                                        
                      Apparently, Thais do know this song.  Love this video...even if they are selling life insurance.

Pad Thai, sticky rice and tom yum! Oh MY!

Cow soi!!! Yummy!

Sticky rice.

Is it normal to get fat in Thailand?  Okay, maybe I’m not fat, but I definitely have gained a few since I began living and eating here.  Now let me just say that I’m not one who believes that we gain weight from “carbs” and I don’t believe in dieting.  I think EVERYONE has tried at least one diet in their life and failed.  Even if one is successful on a diet, the reality is, people deprive themselves of pleasure and are often living in fear of food which eventually leads them to binge and break the diet once they can’t stand it any longer.  In American culture, we are so obsessed with the idea that specific foods make you fat.  I believe that we can eat the foods that bring us pleasure but we must learn to be mindful of HOW and of course how much we eat as well as the emotions and beliefs we hold around food.  As with most things in life, I think it comes down to having a balance.

So with that preface, I admit that I have been eating way too much!  I’ve pretty much been gorging myself.  From oodles of noodles, fried chicken, a ridiculous amount of pork to the delicious pizza place that’s in town, I’ve been eating like a starving child most of the time I’ve been here.  Now I’m self-aware enough to know that I’m not just eating because the food is delicious, I’m definitely eating as a way of coping with being here and I know at times I don’t want to feel all the uncomfortable and lonely feelings that come up.  Although I’m a relatively thin person, I have had issues with emotional eating and overeating throughout my life.  For as long as I can remember, food has never just been food to me. 

Now putting that into the proper context, Thais are very weight conscious.  There are scales in front of every single 7-11 and they usually have them in many public restrooms and bus stops.  People will outright ask you how much you weigh as it’s definitely a point of interest and conversation in Thai culture.  Also, the standards for being thin are pretty rigid.  If you’re a little overweight or even just not a twig, people will openly call you fat.  They don’t seem to think of it as rude like we would in western culture which can be difficult to adjust to when you’re used to weight and body image being such sensitive topics back home.  Not only do my students continually point to my belly and scream out “BABY!” but I’ve had adults also ask me if I’m expecting.  I most definitely am not, it just so happens to be a spot that I hold a little extra weight.  I’ve also had a few experiences where Thais have told me that I’m “not too fat” which I guess is better than actually saying that I am too fat.  It doesn’t bother me that much but it just makes me a little more aware of my weight and size.

Now, I admit that I started this post to discuss over-eating and body image but now I honestly just want to discuss the level of deliciousness that exists in the food here.  To begin with, I love the flavors and aromas of Thai food.  There are always intoxicating smells anytime there’s food around (except when you walk by the dried squid stands which seem to be EVERYWHERE—not a fan!).  I can honestly say that I haven’t gotten tired of Thai food yet due to the fact that there is definitely a variety of dishes.  Even though I have noodles often, there are many different types and even the shape and size of the noodles can affect the taste of a dish.  My favorite things are sticky rice which I like with both sweet and savory foods.  I have had some of the BEST Pad Thai I’ve ever eaten in my life in my town at this one little food cart.  My two favorite meals are Tom Yum Noodles and Cow Soi.  Tom Yum Noodles are delicious noodles in a light broth with pork and hard boiled egg covered in crispy dried noodles—amaaaazing!  Cow Soi is a Northern Thai speciality that you can only find on the weekends at one little hole in the wall in my town but is literally the best Thai dish I’ve ever eaten!  It has a curry like thick broth with noodles and chicken with dried noodles on top and they always bring out cabbage, onions and lime that you can add to your own discretion.  It’s scrumptious!  I also enjoy the occasional Cashew Nut Chicken, Basil Pork with rice and Green Curry with pork.

One thing is for sure, even if I’ve gained weight, I’m eating well and some of the best food I’ve had in my life.  But maybe I should cut back just a little bit…                    

What my bowls look like often...

Tom Yum Noodles! SOOO Good!

Green curry.

My typical dumpling, noodles and pork breakfast.

"All that we are is a result of what we have thought" - Buddha

            New Year’s is a time of letting go of the old and welcoming the new.  In many ways, I feel that that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the last 90 days that I’ve been in Thailand, welcoming all kinds of changes and new experiences while releasing what is comfortable and familiar.  I also feel that because this experience is jam packed with encountering so many differences and challenges, I’ve been forced to be present most of the time.  Thinking about home or the past have not been a big part of my time here in Thailand although I have recently been obsessing about the future.

            When a new year begins, we often reflect on our dreams, desires, and goals for the 365 days to come.  As many people, I usually make a New Year’s resolution and just like most, I rarely follow through with it.  It’s hard to completely ignore the tradition but I’m over making a big declaration only to lose my motivation two weeks into the year.  However, I have experienced firsthand the power of putting down your visions and goals on paper. 

Last year, I made my first vision board.  I had heard of the idea for years and after many years of talk, I actually did it.  I printed and found magazine cut outs forming a montage of my heart’s desires.  When looking at it, a few things are quite apparent.  It’s obvious that my priorities are figuring out my life purpose and deepening my spiritual practice and relationship with God.  It is probably the most evident that I have a deep love and desire to travel the world.  Now mind you, I made this months before I knew that I was going to Thailand.  Since Thailand was always one of the top travel destinations on my bucket list, I put a few random pictures of Thailand that I found online.  I put one of a beautiful island that just completely captured the essence of Thailand in my mind.  The picture displayed the crystal clear blue ocean with the sun shining brightly and some of Thailand’s beautiful and nearly unfathomable cliffs and landforms.  Months later on a weekend excursion, I jumped off a Thai style boat and turned around and was completely in awe.  I was standing on Koh Phi Phi Island and it was literally the EXACT picture from my vision board and it was one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen in my life.  I will never forget that moment.  I have learned for years about the power of the pictures and thoughts in our minds and our ability to manifest and create but I had never experienced a more tangible example.  That moment taught me that the vision we hold for ourselves holds a lot of power.    

            So in following of the tradition, my visions for this year are as follows.  I desire paid writing work, to travel as much as possible, to find work that I absolutely love and have fun doing, to deepen my meditation and prayer practice, to live with more of an open heart and to do more of the things that scare me.  This has been a year full of new and life changing experiences and I am open and ready for whatever 2013 will bring!    

New Year's with friends in Chiang Mai.