So I have to admit it. The experience I’m having in Thailand is
most definitely not what I pictured or expected. I certainly did not sign up for this thinking
“Great! I’m going to spend every single
night alone in my little apartment!” Okay,
that’s a bit of an exaggeration but I definitely didn’t think I was coming half
way around the world with the focus of working on a relationship with myself. Maybe that’s silly because we are in fact
always in relationship with ourselves. I
mean, I expected to grow as a person and a spiritual being and learn more about
myself through the experience, but I didn’t realize that I would actually spend
more time alone than ever before and essentially be dating myself.
There
are positive sides to this. I have
plenty of time to reflect on my life and my goals. I
have time to truly feel what’s going on internally with me where as when we are
distracted by our busy lifestyles and constantly around other people, we don’t
always have that ability to center ourselves and regroup. I have plenty of time to read, write, pray, think,
feel, meditate (wish I could say I was doing it more than I am but still…) and
exercise and to simply just BE which as most people know, is not easy to do. Most of us constantly distract ourselves so
that we don’t have to actually feel the pain and anxiety inside or as my
Italian guru and spiritual mentor calls the “Piece of Shit”. The piece of shit inside is made up of all
the things we don’t like about ourselves, all the regrets, shame and guilt we
carry, all the pain we’ve experienced and all the dreams we feel we’ve
squandered. Essentially the piece of
shit is all the feelings of not being worthy and not being good enough. We all have it inside and we all find ways of
numbing ourselves or not facing it, that is, until we actually decide to face
it.
So
while I don’t know if I’ve chosen to face it, my “piece of shit” seems to wants
to face me. Even though this is not the
experience that I signed up for, it appears that God definitely signed me up
for it. I don’t believe in accidents or
coincidences. I feel that I’m being
called to spend more time in meditation, reflection and prayer than ever before
which both frightens and intrigues me. So
I heard the call and I recently signed up for a seven day silent meditation
retreat when my contract is up which should be very interesting and full of
revelations. I admit I’m absolutely
terrified of going through with it.
On top of already
feeling lonely, I’m also now in the midst of a breakup of the long distance
relationship I’ve been in while here. I’m
finding that while I normally have a nervous breakdown during breakups, I
literally can’t do that here. If I lose
it, I will fall into a very dark place and I know that if I want to finish out
the next few months, then I have to keep it together and stay as present as
possible. I must focus on why I’m here,
put my energy into teaching and make the best of my time here. It’s strange.
I never would have thought that I would live so far from my friends and
family while in a situation like this and somehow not completely fall apart
into pieces. While it feels vulnerable
to reveal this in such a public way, on a blog of all places, I’m reminded and
inspired by my one of my favorite quotes by Sheryl Louise Moller “tell the
truth, tell the truth, tell the truth” that there is power in being vulnerable
and living in your truth.
I’ve
been shocked to find an inner strength and independence that I didn’t even know
I had inside. I didn’t realize that I
was as self-sufficient as I am and that I’m able to handle much more than I
would have previously thought. The other
day while tearing up with my Thai friend at work about my current situation,
somehow we broke out into song singing “Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will
be. The future’s not ours to see. Que sera, sera.” I was shocked that she knew that song but I
was comforted by the familiarity and the words had never felt more true. So here I am, now more than ever having to
trust in God that there is a purpose behind all of this and that everything is
always in Divine order. While my life
appears to be full of uncertanties, two things are always certain: life must go
on and “whatever will be, will be”.
Apparently, Thais do know this song. Love this video...even if they are selling life insurance.
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