Pad Thai, sticky rice and tom yum! Oh MY!

Cow soi!!! Yummy!

Sticky rice.

Is it normal to get fat in Thailand?  Okay, maybe I’m not fat, but I definitely have gained a few since I began living and eating here.  Now let me just say that I’m not one who believes that we gain weight from “carbs” and I don’t believe in dieting.  I think EVERYONE has tried at least one diet in their life and failed.  Even if one is successful on a diet, the reality is, people deprive themselves of pleasure and are often living in fear of food which eventually leads them to binge and break the diet once they can’t stand it any longer.  In American culture, we are so obsessed with the idea that specific foods make you fat.  I believe that we can eat the foods that bring us pleasure but we must learn to be mindful of HOW and of course how much we eat as well as the emotions and beliefs we hold around food.  As with most things in life, I think it comes down to having a balance.

So with that preface, I admit that I have been eating way too much!  I’ve pretty much been gorging myself.  From oodles of noodles, fried chicken, a ridiculous amount of pork to the delicious pizza place that’s in town, I’ve been eating like a starving child most of the time I’ve been here.  Now I’m self-aware enough to know that I’m not just eating because the food is delicious, I’m definitely eating as a way of coping with being here and I know at times I don’t want to feel all the uncomfortable and lonely feelings that come up.  Although I’m a relatively thin person, I have had issues with emotional eating and overeating throughout my life.  For as long as I can remember, food has never just been food to me. 

Now putting that into the proper context, Thais are very weight conscious.  There are scales in front of every single 7-11 and they usually have them in many public restrooms and bus stops.  People will outright ask you how much you weigh as it’s definitely a point of interest and conversation in Thai culture.  Also, the standards for being thin are pretty rigid.  If you’re a little overweight or even just not a twig, people will openly call you fat.  They don’t seem to think of it as rude like we would in western culture which can be difficult to adjust to when you’re used to weight and body image being such sensitive topics back home.  Not only do my students continually point to my belly and scream out “BABY!” but I’ve had adults also ask me if I’m expecting.  I most definitely am not, it just so happens to be a spot that I hold a little extra weight.  I’ve also had a few experiences where Thais have told me that I’m “not too fat” which I guess is better than actually saying that I am too fat.  It doesn’t bother me that much but it just makes me a little more aware of my weight and size.

Now, I admit that I started this post to discuss over-eating and body image but now I honestly just want to discuss the level of deliciousness that exists in the food here.  To begin with, I love the flavors and aromas of Thai food.  There are always intoxicating smells anytime there’s food around (except when you walk by the dried squid stands which seem to be EVERYWHERE—not a fan!).  I can honestly say that I haven’t gotten tired of Thai food yet due to the fact that there is definitely a variety of dishes.  Even though I have noodles often, there are many different types and even the shape and size of the noodles can affect the taste of a dish.  My favorite things are sticky rice which I like with both sweet and savory foods.  I have had some of the BEST Pad Thai I’ve ever eaten in my life in my town at this one little food cart.  My two favorite meals are Tom Yum Noodles and Cow Soi.  Tom Yum Noodles are delicious noodles in a light broth with pork and hard boiled egg covered in crispy dried noodles—amaaaazing!  Cow Soi is a Northern Thai speciality that you can only find on the weekends at one little hole in the wall in my town but is literally the best Thai dish I’ve ever eaten!  It has a curry like thick broth with noodles and chicken with dried noodles on top and they always bring out cabbage, onions and lime that you can add to your own discretion.  It’s scrumptious!  I also enjoy the occasional Cashew Nut Chicken, Basil Pork with rice and Green Curry with pork.

One thing is for sure, even if I’ve gained weight, I’m eating well and some of the best food I’ve had in my life.  But maybe I should cut back just a little bit…                    

What my bowls look like often...

Tom Yum Noodles! SOOO Good!

Green curry.

My typical dumpling, noodles and pork breakfast.

"All that we are is a result of what we have thought" - Buddha

            New Year’s is a time of letting go of the old and welcoming the new.  In many ways, I feel that that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the last 90 days that I’ve been in Thailand, welcoming all kinds of changes and new experiences while releasing what is comfortable and familiar.  I also feel that because this experience is jam packed with encountering so many differences and challenges, I’ve been forced to be present most of the time.  Thinking about home or the past have not been a big part of my time here in Thailand although I have recently been obsessing about the future.

            When a new year begins, we often reflect on our dreams, desires, and goals for the 365 days to come.  As many people, I usually make a New Year’s resolution and just like most, I rarely follow through with it.  It’s hard to completely ignore the tradition but I’m over making a big declaration only to lose my motivation two weeks into the year.  However, I have experienced firsthand the power of putting down your visions and goals on paper. 

Last year, I made my first vision board.  I had heard of the idea for years and after many years of talk, I actually did it.  I printed and found magazine cut outs forming a montage of my heart’s desires.  When looking at it, a few things are quite apparent.  It’s obvious that my priorities are figuring out my life purpose and deepening my spiritual practice and relationship with God.  It is probably the most evident that I have a deep love and desire to travel the world.  Now mind you, I made this months before I knew that I was going to Thailand.  Since Thailand was always one of the top travel destinations on my bucket list, I put a few random pictures of Thailand that I found online.  I put one of a beautiful island that just completely captured the essence of Thailand in my mind.  The picture displayed the crystal clear blue ocean with the sun shining brightly and some of Thailand’s beautiful and nearly unfathomable cliffs and landforms.  Months later on a weekend excursion, I jumped off a Thai style boat and turned around and was completely in awe.  I was standing on Koh Phi Phi Island and it was literally the EXACT picture from my vision board and it was one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen in my life.  I will never forget that moment.  I have learned for years about the power of the pictures and thoughts in our minds and our ability to manifest and create but I had never experienced a more tangible example.  That moment taught me that the vision we hold for ourselves holds a lot of power.    

            So in following of the tradition, my visions for this year are as follows.  I desire paid writing work, to travel as much as possible, to find work that I absolutely love and have fun doing, to deepen my meditation and prayer practice, to live with more of an open heart and to do more of the things that scare me.  This has been a year full of new and life changing experiences and I am open and ready for whatever 2013 will bring!    

New Year's with friends in Chiang Mai.

           

Christmas in a Thai Wonderland

           It is only a few days until Christmas and instead of being home in Los Angeles where garlands and Christmas lights line the houses and streets and the Christmas classics fill the airwaves, I’m here in a small town in Thailand.  In general, most Thai’s don’t celebrate Christmas given that they’re Buddhist although there is a small minority of Thai Christians.  While it is a bit of a lonely feeling to know that everyone is celebrating the holiday season back home, I’ve been surprised to find little tidbits of Christmas cheer around me in the most unexpected places.

            For starters, a few weeks ago, all of the teachers in my department began randomly singing Christmas songs together in our tiny office one day.  I was shocked by how many songs they knew!  One of the Thai teachers loves to sing “Silver Bells” with a silly bravado every day which makes us all laugh every time.  It was fun to sing the songs of my childhood and it made me laugh but it did also make me wish that I was “home for the holidays”.

For over a month now, I’ve been teaching a different Christmas song to each grade “We wish you a Merry Christmas” for Prathom 1, “Two front teeth” for Prathom 2 and “Santa Claus is coming to town” for Prathom 3.  Not the entire songs, but one or two verses.  Can I just tell you that I have probably sung these songs hundreds and hundreds of times in the last month (reminds me of being home and hearing the same ten songs on repeat on the radio!)  I have sang these songs for the students more times than I can count as well as reviewed the lyrics regularly and as to be expected, there are still many kids who watch my overly pronounced mouth as I annunciate every single word and then mumble through the whole thing with their cute Thai accents.  It’s pretty funny to hear “(mumble mumble mumble)” followed by a booming “…Santa Claus is coming to town”. 

            Some restaurants and shops do have small Christmas trees and decorations set up and I was truly touched and shocked when I saw a beautiful Christmas tree made of lights in the center of Phayao.  It definitely brought the Christmas spirit to my heart.  This week, I began singing and acting out “The 12 Days of Christmas” for every single class.  It has been exhausting since I have twenty two classes but it’s also the most fun I’ve had with my classes to date and the amount of joy on their faces and roaring giggles coming from my students showed me that they felt the same way.  

Phayao's beautiful Christmas tree!

            Last but not least, on Christmas day which is a workday, our department is putting together a little show for all the students.  A few of us teachers are still deciding on a song but we will be performing, the students will sing a song that each grade has learned, there will be an excerpt from the true Christmas story and there will be “Christmas games” including limbo and something like pin the hat on Santa Claus.  As I write this, I’m hearing girls from grade 5 singing and dancing to “Jingle Bell Rock” in the next room over.  So in the words of the students “Merry Christmas!  And happy New Year!!!”…from Thailand.  I hope that this holiday season finds you all well.  God bless.         

Angry bird Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Analyze this.

 

            Living among a culture where you truly have no idea what’s going on or being said 98% (I like to give myself credit for that 2%!) of the time puts one in an interesting position.  You go from being a full participant in society to more of an observer role.  Observation becomes the name of the game as there really isn’t much else to do.  I find that I’m constantly standing back and observing facial expressions, social interactions between co-workers, students, restaurateurs and shop owners with their customers as well as behavior between the opposite sexes.  In order to be successful in another country, I feel that you must become a keen observer.  It is somewhat of a monkey see monkey do situation.  You learn to watch for standard behavior and follow suit. 

            For instance, when people tell me “Thais always do this” and “Thais don’t like that”, I like to then look for examples of that within my daily life and compare the notes to find whether the generalizations are true or not.  While I’ve never been big on generalizing an entire group on people based on the opinions of a few, even if they are Thai themselves (I mean come on, I was a freaking Women’s Studies major in school!), I have to admit that many of these sweeping statistics have turned out to be true in my own observations.

These are a few of them:

-Thais don’t understand you when you speak Thai unless it’s absolutely 100% perfect.

You will swear that your pronunciation is correct but they will look at you often like “what the heck did you just say??”

-Thais can easily fall asleep anywhere! 

Even on 12 hour bus rides when they blast annoying poppy Thai music at midnight.  Those Thais just keep on sawing logs.

-Thais are very generous people.

This is utterly and completely true.  Thais give gifts and strangers offer to pay for your meal constantly.  They’re very giving people.

-Thai children AND adults pick their noses in public as it’s not considered rude here.

Yep, this one is very true and pretty comical (although a little gross in my opinion) to see!

-Thai couples don’t openly show affection in public.

I have not seen couples so much as hold hands in public which is fascinating to me!

-Thais love their King.

I haven’t met one who doesn’t.

-Thais don’t like expressions of individuality.  Sticking out as an individual is not considered a good thing.

I find this to be true particularly in the education system.  The Thai teachers teach the students that you don’t ask questions because that’s disrespecting authority (usually they are hit for this), and both your handwriting and uniform must be absolutely perfect (even university students wear uniforms).  Imagine demanding that 6 year olds (especially boys!) don’t get their uniform dirty or disheveled?  Yeah, um… good luck with that one Thailand!  Also, the students are taught to use a ruler to write everything so a simple writing assignment can end up taking the entire class period which is frustrating when you’re trying to move through a lesson. 

-Thais laugh at nearly everything.

This also seems to be true.  Even when you’re telling a serious story.  They particularly laugh when a farang attempts to speak Thai!  They think it’s hilarious when I attempt to say anything beyond “sawadee ka”.    

A few that I absolutely do NOT find to be true:

-Thais don’t like loud noises.

My students would prove otherwise.  As would the crazy amount of fireworks that people set off daily, often right next to you as you walk by.

-Thailand is an extremely conservative country.

While I think this is somewhat true, Thailand is full of dualism and contradictions.  While showing shoulders is considered supposedly scandalous, Thai traditional clothing often shows one shoulder and Thai women often show enough leg in daily life to put L.A. girls to shame.  Another observation I had on Sports day at my school was that the girls from Prathom 1 through 6 were dressed scantily clad in revealing cheerleading outfits and covered in enough hairspray and makeup to make them look like little, I hate to say it, but baby prostitutes.  It was very similar to that pageant show "Toddlers and Tiaras".  Sorry if it’s awful and offensive to use the word "prostitute" to describe little kids but honestly it was strange to see them dressed in such outrageous clothes AND do provocative dance moves with their hips gyrating all over the place.  I felt like I was watching a Pussycat Dolls performance or something but instead I was at an elementary school!  Thailand is also a country where human trafficking is a serious issue and prostitution is rampant from the massage parlors to karaoke bars to the streets.  Prostitution is everywhere, not just in Bangkok but even here in my little town. 

Another and probably the most uplifting observation I’ve made in the time I’ve been here is that there are expressions of love that are the same despite cultural difference.  While Thais are not known for openly expressing emotions in public, I see examples of love all over my town.  I see delighted grandmothers cuddling and laughing with their baby grandchildren, young friends at school holding hands and skipping down the hallways, and families having picnics down by the lake—savoring each other’s company along with their food and openly expressing affection with one another.  When I witness these and other examples, even on my most lonely days, I can’t help but smile.  It is nice to be reminded that love is a universal phenomenon that despite our differences unites and connects us all. 

Chooay Dooay!

            I had a pretty frightening experience in Phayao the other day.  I was going for a jog down by the lake which is where I work out often.  The lake is the busiest part of town because on one side of the street is the lake and the other side is jam packed with restaurants, bars and shops.  People and families are always hanging out in crowds and groups down there so it has a very safe feel to it.  I had not yet felt unsafe in Thailand, especially in Phayao, until the other night.

            I was jogging on the sidewalk among other joggers when I noticed that a man was riding his motorbike extremely close to me on the sidewalk.  Now I have seen Thais drive on the sidewalk during heavy traffic hours so I assumed he was trying to get around me.  So I moved to the side in order to let him through, but he didn’t move forward.  He continued to drive slowly right behind me.  I was very confused what he was doing at first.  I questioned it in my mind.  Is he picking someone up over here?  Is he just curious about this “farang” he sees and wants to have a conversation as many people in town do?  Does he know the other joggers that are next to me?  Soon enough I realized that he was in fact following me and not in a “just trying to be friendly” kind of way.  When I started running fast, he sped up.  When I slowed down, he slowed down.  This went on for a few minutes but it felt like eternity.  I had my headphones on so I was not able to hear if he was attempting to talk to me and at that point, I didn’t care to hear a word from him. 

            My heart started to beat rapidly as I realized that I didn’t have my cell phone with me so I wasn’t able to call any of my Thai or foreign friends in town and I was a good distance from home.  I began to boil with anger that not only was he following me but he wasn’t even trying to be discreet about it.  I then quickly ducked into a local bar which I happen to know the owners of.  I ran to the bathroom and waited a few minutes hoping he would be gone when I left.  I didn’t see the owner of the bar and I knew that no one else probably knew English so I decided to leave the bar. 

I thought for a moment that maybe he was gone, but unfortunately I saw the old creepy man leaning against a tree across the street staring at me.  As I continued running, now on the opposite side of the street from him, I really began to question how I was going to get out of this situation.  He continued to ride along and look over while maintaining my pace.  I felt extremely violated and angry.  I could not believe the nerve of this man!  I finally began yelling and motioning at him “Go away!  Leave me alone!”  I decided that even if he didn’t understand me, he would notice my tone and be embarrassed at his behavior.  Not the case at all!  He continued to stay at my pace although he was now on the opposite side of the street.  I questioned bee-lining it up to a bar close by where I know a lot of the regulars and the majority speak English.  But I wasn’t sure what would happen on the way there as I obviously could not outrun him.  

It was a very lonely experience knowing that most of the people on the street wouldn’t understand me even if I attempted to explain the situation.  I felt very alone like I couldn’t even ask for help.  But as he continued to follow and basically stalk me, I felt that I should take my chances of miscommunication and try to let someone know what was going on.  At this point, it had been almost ten minutes of this. 

I ran by a couple and something told me that I could trust them.  Sure enough they were very friendly and when I looked closely while talking to them, I realized that the man was wearing a Phayao Police department jacket and he happened to be one of the chiefs of Phayao police.  I attempted to explain what was going on with the man.  Luckily my Thai friends had taught me how to say “help me!” in Thai recently (chooay dooay!) so I was able to use that to let them know that I was in danger.  They didn’t speak English but I was able to use charades and a few Thai words I know to show them that I was feeling unsafe.  At first I think they thought I had hit my head while running as they continued to motion a movement that indicated an injury but after a few minutes and when the other man was still lurking at me from across the street (even while talking to them!) they understood what was going on.  The woman was very loving and nurturing and immediately took my hand and put me behind her in a protective way as if to say “You’re safe now, I won’t let anything happen to you”.  It was such a sigh of relief as the policeman then went across the street to talk to the man.  I’m not sure what conversation occurred between the two men but the creeper rode off shortly.  The policeman and his wife then drove me home to my apartment which made me feel a lot better as the idea of walking the rest of the way home did not sound too appealing at that point. 

When pulling up to the apartment, the couple spoke to my English speaking neighbor who then told me to be very careful and to always have my phone with me and to be careful going anywhere alone.  I profusely thanked the couple and despite the fact that hugging isn’t a very Thai thing to do, I squeezed the woman tight as I was so incredibly grateful for not only their assistance but also for the protective motherly energy the woman gave me. 

It was a very surreal and strange experience.  Maybe I have been naive to have felt so safe in Thailand or even in my little town, but my bubble definitely violently burst as I realized that I should err on the side of caution whether I like it or not.  I’m grateful for the kindness of strangers but being stalked in public is something I will not soon forget.   

Home Sweet Home

It’s funny when you begin to question where “home” really is.  What is it exactly that we crave when we are “homesick?”  Is it our friends and family, our routines, the actual house we live in, the feeling of belonging or is “home” actually a state of mind that we tend to idealize when away?  In my town Phayao, due to not having too much of a social life, I have a lot of time to reflect on these types of questions.  I’ve been pondering this as last week was the first time that I felt extremely homesick, to the point that I questioned going home.  I even called the company I work for to discuss this with them (FYI these feelings have come and gone).  When I visualized my life in Thailand, I pictured myself making a solid attempt to fully integrate into the Thai culture and I had the goal to make a large circle of Thai friends, despite the language barrier.  It has not been quite as simple as that.

Although the Thai teachers are amazing and easy to connect with, many of them lead busy lives outside of school and don’t have a lot of time to get together.  The other Thai friends I’ve made are really lovely, but at times it takes so much effort to communicate (even when they speak English) that hanging out feels more like work than a relaxing time among friends. 

Now that I’ve been in Thailand for a few months and have made many foreign friends, I feel extremely isolated from them.  I long for the company of “farang” because I notice the stark difference hanging out with Thais.  I miss easy and free flowing communication, little nuances and jokes that only native speakers or extremely advanced English speakers truly understand.  It makes it difficult to fully relate or be on the “same page” at times. 

            So due to these feelings, last weekend I got on a 12 hour bus ride with the purpose of getting together with a big group of people from our teacher’s training group.  Without going into the details of the weekend, what I discovered is that while I had a pretty good time overall, the crappy feelings I’ve been feeling lately didn’t just disappear.  I realized that I’ve been seeking fulfillment from outside sources which always gets me into trouble.  The truth is that other people can never truly complete or satisfy our needs.  I came to the awareness that being placed away from people I’m comfortable with and other security blankets is a true opportunity.  I can look at this as an unfortunate situation and decide to book it or I can view it as an opportunity to center myself, reflect on my life and what’s really going on inside of me as well as pray, meditate, journal, read and connect with God.  It was an amazing AHA moment for me and I’m grateful for it.

            Another interesting discovery was that when everyone left and I had Monday all by myself in a lonely busy city, I was not homesick for my home in L.A. but instead I longed for my little beautiful scenic town of Phayao.  This weekend away allowed me to see that without even realizing it, Phayao has become my home and what a sweet home it is.         

      

Maybe I'm the one with the "Thai smile"

Thailand is known worldwide as the “Land of Smiles” which is a very endearing name that can actually be somewhat misleading.  Thai people smile all the time and while it is easy as a foreigner to conclude that Thais are some of the happiest and friendliest people in the world, I’ve learned that it isn’t quite as simplistic as that. Thais smile when they’re happy of course but they also smile as a way to hide the more unpleasant emotions including embarrassment, anger and I’m assuming even sadness as openly showing emotion in public in Thailand is not considered appropriate.  Saving face is of utmost importance in Thai culture and smiles are often a way to cover up what’s really going on underneath.  Therefore, the term “Thai smile” comes into play.

For the first time since I’ve been in Thailand, I’m beginning to have pretty intense bouts of homesickness.  Even more than being homesick, I’m feeling many of the same stresses and insecurities as I was back home for the last year. I’ve been obsessing nonstop about figuring out my career path and ways to make a “good” salary.  This was exactly what I obsessed about for the last two years to no avail hence why I made the deliberate choice to have a traveling adventure instead.   

The novelty of being here is beginning to wear off.  What was first new and interesting is beginning to feel a bit tired and downright frustrating at times.  I’ve been experiencing intense swings between being elated to feeling incredibly anxious and awful and like I want to find the earliest flight home to Los Angeles.  I know that all of this alone time I have is an opportunity to confront these feelings and fears head-on and stop avoiding them.  Instead of continually eating ice cream or Pad Thai, I could just sit and be present with the uncomfortable feelings.  Just dive completely into it and stop resisting it.  Yet so far, I haven’t quite chosen to do that.

In my town, I have friends but I don’t feel that I can truly open up and on the hard days of teaching and the lonely days that have me fighting back tears, I often feel that I’m the one wearing the “Thai smile”.  I often feel that I should be happy all through this experience but as my friend Melanie advises, “stop should-ing all over yourself!”  I tell myself, “come on Maddy, you’re living in Thailand and you have the freedom to keep traveling the world if you so desire”.  I think to myself, this is the kind of opportunity that a lot of people would kill for so just be grateful and happy dammit!  But as I’ve learned, life is full of the ups and down, whether you’re in your hometown or in a small town in Northern Thailand.